Chafe Me
I have come to the realization that I need to talk about sex more in this column. Lately, I haven't been very wanton or hussy-like in this arena. So in casting about for topics of discourse with my friends, I have a choice of flirting, book-smut, porno films, gang bangs of 620-650 (or maybe 30-50 is "more realistic" according to my husband [How would he know, anyway? Mental note made to interrogate further.]), public nudity, less offensive words than "boobies," and ear/nostril sex. Sidestepping all of those, I choose facial hair.
Facial hair is trendy for men again, as evidenced in the following poll: Bearded…Or Not? . Now facial hair, like everything else, is largely a patter of personal opinion. There are some aesthetics involved in how it looks on the individual in question. Then there is the more practical, down-to-earth, (if you will) concern of the womenfolk. I'm talking about the chafing factor.
Facial hair, no matter how well groomed, basically consists of relatively short, wiry hairs. Thick hairs. Sharp hairs. Pokey hairs. Hairs that do not feel good when dug into your inner thigh, nor even the nape of the neck. Hairs which feel more like they belong on a badger or a brush for scrubbing the shower than for running across a woman's tender, delicate skin.
Now true, maybe I just have exceptionally sensitive skin. And true, I do occasionally kind of like the roughness of feeling my skin scraped raw. But make no mistake about it - beards hurt. They chafe. They abrade, irritate, fret, rub, wear, and cause "a state of vexation: RAGE" with their friction. So I'm against them. At least, mostly.
To play my own Devil's Advocate, some men just look dorky without beards. I remember when I first saw Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds without moustaches; it was scary. One just gets used to seeing people a certain way, and when they change, it's unsettling. For example, Al Gore now looks like he could be that neighbor guy across the street who keeps borrowing your weed-eater. The beard makes him look like he's in the Witness Protection Program, only they're doing a really bad job of keeping him protected.
But I was talking about men who look good with beards. Well, here are my ratings: Look Good with Beards = Mark Wahlberg, Chris Tucker, Johnny Depp. Look Dorky with Beards, or Old, or Simply Less Hot = Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, Antonio Banderas, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Al Gore, Matt LeBlanc, Pierce Brosnan. I didn't really care about the others, or couldn't decide if they looked better one way or the other.
Now, another Devil's Advocate would like me to be reminded that women also have hair in places which, if people are being shameless and nasty and giving in to their baser animal instincts (which I personally try to do as often as possible), may correspondingly chafe the faces of generous menfolk. For reasons I do not care to divulge, I know little about the care and trimming and various styles of female pubic hair these days. (One does have to ask oneself though, why it is only women who trim their pubic hair? It's not like men's pubic hair doesn't get in the way during fellatio, too). The DA wishes me to applaud all of those connoisseurs of cunnilingus who make such sacrifices for the pleasure of their women and risk chafing their harsh, rough male faces on our soft and downy curls. So I do. Anything for the cause.
But please, next time you consider growing a beard, think "Will it look good? Is it the same color as the hair on my head? Will my lady friends be hurt and chafed and therefore have me stop giving them oral pleasures and then take their hot honey muffins to other randy stallions with smoother faces for orgasmic satisfaction?" And then feel free to throw away the razor and any hopes of getting laid. It's your choice.