Columnist for Monday, 2/12 - Wanton Hussy

A Pound (or so) of Flesh

As the lone female so far, I thought I'd babble about something that fascinates everyone - breasts. Tits, hooters, boobies, dugs, paps, bazoombas, boobs, and so forth. Me, I have breasts. No fooling about those things, they aren't cute and small, they aren't round and immobile plastic, they aren't even modest. They're just huge and they demand to be taken seriously. They are in proportion, yes, since the rest of me isn't tiny. Think Renaissance art, like "The Three Graces", only with tits to match the ass and hips and thighs. (It always pisses me off how small-chested those women are. Fuckin artists.) I am blessed with cleavage. Well endowed. Stacked. A friend of mine once, quite scientifically, did a water displacement test see how much volume her breasts were. I think she came out to be about 32 ounces, or a Big Gulp (actually, maybe it was 42 or something, I don't know, I don't drink Big Gulps and I'm not going to ask her). I've always wanted to try that myself, but, well, I haven't. Neat idea, though.

So anyway, what made me start thinking about breasts this time was porn. Women's tits in porn are pretty amazing. They're perfectly spherical and so huge they don't match the rest of their bodies and they never move on their own. And boy, those girls (ladies? PC as I am, I can't bring myself to call them "women") sure get excited then they're touched. Granted, they probably have the help of ice and/or cold filming locations, especially for the outdoor-sex scenes. But still. Mine, sure I like them touched, confidently held, groped, if you will, and some rolling and pinching of the nipple. But, um, it doesn't make me swoon in a pre-orgasmic surge or anything. It DOES explain why men seem to think it SHOULD, though. In my experience, other women are much better at being sexual with breasts than men. I guess it's just One Of Those Lesbian Things. But men learn well.

And speaking of men and lesbians... well, no, I guess I won't go there on this trip. So how about something men can't and most lesbians don't experience -- breast feeding. My good friend just had a baby. A few less-than-friends-but-more-than-acquaintances are pregnant or have already had babies. Breast feeding is super popular these days, for a ton of reasons I won't go into. But I think one reason that no one really wants to talk about is because women like having some actual use for their breasts. It's true - they actually serve a purpose beyond titillation and attraction. I know, we all know this, but really, think about it. Have you seen a baby breast fed? Have you seen breasts swollen with milk? Have you heard the endless fascinating discussions about how to get the baby to "latch on" or how to use the breast pump or what to do when (NOT "if") your breasts leak during sex after giving birth? It's weird. We're MAMMALS. Big brain and opposable thumbs aside, we're fuckin mammals. We make milk to feed our young.

So next time you see porn and some woman with huge, globular perfect boobs, just remember - milk could come out of there. Awesome.

Previous day's column (Pakeha)