Wanton Hussy - Column for 2/20

Spam, Pagans, Furries and Porn - Oh my!

I swear these things are unconnected. Mostly. At least, there is no purposeful meaning behind any connectivity.

SPAM

Over the last few days I've received spam at my sooper-seekrit Yahoo! email account. Spam clearly somehow related to a Yahoo!group I lurk on, but never post at. While this would upset me, and has actually promoted me to spend an idiotic amount of time fussing with virus protectors and whatnot… I'm mostly amused. Because, you see, it's funny. The Yahoo!groups are somewhat innocuous, and yet I get slightly-related seeming email, as if I might be interested, with no subject or header. When I type the sender's address into Google, I get sent to web sites like "Boys in Chains".

Now, I have nothing against boys in chains, or those who might want to pay to look at them (duh). But I like my porn free, thank you, and I still don't see a connection between the Yahoo!group and outright porn. And most spam seems to be porn-related these days.

At work they tweaked something and we all went from getting almost no spam to getting 5-10 messages per day, about horny co-eds, and how to enhance my penis size. Which, frankly, does need to be enhanced. You can barely tell it's there. Maybe I should give them a call; it's like they're psychic!

For truly psychic of course, there's my personal favorite pop-up ad: Is there porn on your computer? with the old woman shaking her finger at you. Hell yes there's porn on my computer. And what's more, there should be MORE porn on my computer. Just don't try and get me to pay for it. Thank god for free banner ads.

PAGANS

So last weekend I spent 48 hours immersed in the local pagan scene, at Pantheacon. It was wild. Any time I'm feeling like I'm a big old freak, all I need to do is spend some time around some flaming pagans. Plus, this year they kept handing me papers - tangible spam, if you will. For the big pagan pride festival in Berkeley, for a pagan seminary (what?), and a bajillion business cards and fliers for goddess sculptures, new tarot decks, and genuine moonblood-stained 100% synthetic-fibers-only handmade shamanic drums. (Using leather is cruelty to animals, but sharing menstrual blood is good, I guess.)

But as usual, I learned a lot, had some amazing mystical experiences, and will never be the same again. Except on the outside, where you can't tell at all, aside from the obvious and painful screaming exhaustion still leaking out my skin pores.

FURRIES

For some scary synchronicity, for some reason a young man I had just met who was outside smoking with a friend felt compelled to share with me (before he shared his name, mind you) that he's a furry-artist. Clearly the young whippersnapper was attempting to shock me, since I looked so conventional and boring and old. I smirked at his naked women with dog heads and tails. "Good inking" said I, trying to keep the wrinkle of irritation off of my nose. He launched into a justification for the sexualization of animals and women. I interrupted him, as dismissively as possible, pulling my friend away from him, with "Yes, yes. I write slash."

There was a moment of cosmic goodness while he sat there stunned, before blurting out, "What genre?" And I smiled innocently and simply left.

A very good moment for me.

PORN

Ok, so it was Valentine's Day and I wanted to rent porn, so he did and we watched it and OH MY GOD IT SUCKED.

I finally saw an Andrew Blake porno and it was just so terrible. After about the first five minutes I was feeling somewhat tingly, but by the end of ten minutes, only a sick fascination kept us both watching it.

"Wow, are you as turned off as I am?"

"More so."

"I don't get it - what's going on now?"

And so we watched the WHOLE FUCKING THING on fast forward. Let me be really clear here; fast-forwarding THROUGH the sex scenes, trying to get TO the plot, to figure out what the fuck was going on. My god, it was so bad. Maybe it was valuable as a cultural or sociological perspective, or for an academic study, but overall, it was NOT good V-Day material.

Consider this an Official Wanton Hussy Clits DOWN Vote on Andrew Blake's "Paris Chic."

Thank god video stores don't send you spam.

Columns by Wanton Hussy