Columnist for Monday, 3/12 - Wanton Hussy

Queer Theory 201

Ever since I was about 14 and learned what gay male sex really involved (by reading Anne Rice's Cry to Heaven in the car on a family trip), the thought of what two men having sex do to each other has turned me on. And confused me. Simultaneously. Lucky for me, sometime in high school or college, I discovered that I was not alone in this and most of my girlfriends were also quite taken with stories and movies and theater (no, not porn) about gay boys. Cute gay boys. Cute gay British boys, in particular. Oops, pardon me, I'm drooling...

So anyway, me and my girlfriends, quite taken with the whole cute gay boy thing, especially if you top it off with an accent. My favorite movies in the genre include "Maurice," "Trick," "Jeffrey," "Beautiful Thing," and "Torch Song Trilogy." Books would be E. M. Forester's Maurice, and Mary Renault's The Persian Boy, and heck, really anything by Anne Rice or Mary Renault. Give me a good romance between boys, and I'm swooning and weak in the knees. Add some hot sex scenes and ooh baby, I think I need a moment alone.

This past weekend I watched the BBC series "Queer as Folk" at a friend's house. Oh. My. God. And on the drive home the next day, it got me to thinking; why do so many straight (or bi or whatever) women get so interested, no, turned on (let's be honest here) by gay sex? And I've come up with a working theory that I'm pleased with, so you can just fuck off if you disagree. It's kind of complicated, so pay attention. There are three aspects, in no particular order.

Part One: Let's face it, gay boys are hot. They work at it. They pay attention to how they look. Yes, sure, there are lots of "bad" parts to the stereotypical gay culture of clubbing, being slim, being built, being hung, being totally focused on being attractive and only fucking attractive men... but on the plus side, all that time and attention on how they look has created some totally luscious pieces of ass... and thighs and chests and so on. And again with the stereotypes, gay men tend to be a bit more hip and know what's what in the fashion world. So they're attractive, and not just in a "gay" way, but in a way that anyone who likes men, or even just is willing to admit aesthetic visual pleasure, will like. So Part One is because they're Hot.

Part Two: Gay men are presented in media as being totally hyper-sexual. With the advent of the AIDS crisis, this is a little less true in movies and TV, but in general, the straight world thinks of gay men as constantly clubbing, taking home a new partner and boinking themselves silly every night. So we all kind of live vicariously, wishing we could hook up with someone hot and new every night for fantastic sex. And if you happen to think men are sexy.. well, here are men being sexy. Two of them. Good looking ones. Sometimes even being romantic and tender with each other. Sometimes just being full of raw masculine animal lust. Either way, there you go; Part Two is because they're Sexy.

And finally Part Three: They're safe. Male sexuality has a long history of being threatening to women, which we are all aware of and I won't go into. But if two guys are being sexual with each other... no one is doing anything that is in any way threatening or degrading or challenging women. It's just two guys. No issues of gender equality, no power struggle, none of the crap that comes up in women's heads when we fuck a man (to speak for all womankind). It has nothing to do with women and social issues. So Part Three: because they're Safe.

So that's my theory: women are excited by gay male sex because it's hot, sexy, and safe. Of course we recognize that they aren't being sexy for us, and they might not really be hoping we'll jump in bed and join them, but hey, that doesn't turn us off any more than lesbian sex turns off straight men. Which actually makes that particular fetish a little more clear to me, minus the safe part, and here's where I stop thinking about it before I get mad again. So anyway, there you are, a working theory of Why Women Like Queers. Don't be late for the next class, "Why Fags Love Hags," by Professor Nathan Maloney.

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