Wanton Hussy's Porn Reviews and Ratings

Somehow I made it to the grand age of 28 without really ever seeing a pornographic film. I was a teensy bit embarrassed about this, since most of my friends have seen them and say they're no big deal. Yet I was always too inhibited to go into the curtained-off portion of a video store and rent one, or into a sex shop. (1) And since I'd never seen one, I was embarrassed to have my lover rent one for our viewing pleasure. What if I wasn't turned on? What if I was?

Why even bother trying to overcome this shyness, you may ask. I just decided it was time. It seemed wrong that that I'd never seen one, being relatively well versed in written pornography/erotica. True, my perusal of magazines has been limited to the occasional "Playboy," "Penthouse," and those awful "Hustler"s that I found in my dad's briefcase in junior high, but I wasn't as afraid of them. I guess as both a sex-positive person and a feminist, I wanted to see for myself if visual images of naked women/people having sex were a) exploitive or not and b) arousing or not. I still haven't really seen enough magazine or internet porn to have a conclusion on that, but for some reason they just bore me. Which brings up a lot of other questions - why is it boring to me and not for others (men)? Are men really turned on by this stuff? Are men just easier to turn on? What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

So I decided to make it a project. When in doubt or fear, approach the problem as an academic question. I decided that I could walk into the local smut shop with a syllabus of movies to rent and watch without being embarrassed. I would rent straight porn, gay porn, and lesbian porn (with real lesbians). Instead, a friend with a porn collection saved me from having to pretend I was still an undergraduate. So I borrowed a stack of videos from different genres and decades, and here is Wanton Hussy's Porn Reviews and Ratings: (2)

• Title: "Bobby Sox"
• Release Date: 1996
• Basic plot/Stats: Something about someone filming a movie in a small town and some busty blonde. Honestly, that's all I can remember.
• How I saw it: Someone Who Will Not Be Named left it stashed behind the TV and I found it when I was dusting and organizing. Imagine my surprise.
• What I thought: Yuck. Granted, it was the first one I saw and I wasn't exactly expecting it. But it was very off-putting, really contrived, very fake, and I fast-forwarded through most of the sex trying to get to the plot. I was so turned off by how unattractive everyone was and how bored the women looked. Little did I know this was "good" porn. However, it was titillating and made me want to do more explorations regarding why I felt repulsed and aroused simultaneously.
• Rating: N

• Title: "The Kiss"
• Release Date: 1998
• Basic plot/Stats: Male roommate has huge crush on female roommate, who has super high criteria for falling in love, "the perfect kiss." She and her date-of-the-evening fuck. Later her date fucks another woman with another guy getting sucked off by the same woman. Then the female roommate whines about her lack of love to her two girlfriends and then they all have sex (fake lesbian(3) ). Male roommate tries to seduce female roommate by drugging her with Spanish fly; she hallucinates fucking the paramedics guy, roommate guy accidentally drinks some of the Spanish fly and hallucinates fucking the paramedics girl.
• How I saw it: In the interest of helping me with my explorations, my lover brought this one home to share, carefully selected from the crap in the local sex shop.
• What I thought: It was ok. The men were all relatively geeky and unattractive, and the women looked fake and bored. The sex scenes just weren't really arousing. The come shot things totally grossed me out. The close-ups of in-and-out for long periods of time irritated me. The story wasn't bad but was horribly weak (duh).
• Rating: N

• Title: "Nina Hartley's Guide to Oral Sex"
• Release Date: 1990?
• Basic plot/Stats: Nina talks about girl parts, then has a young woman and man demonstrate cunnilingus technique. Nina shares a fantasy scene on a train with her and a young woman using what they've learned. Nina talk about boy parts, then demonstrates fellatio technique on a young man. Nina shares a fantasy scene as an artist fucking the same young man, using what she's learned.
• How I saw it: Borrowed from friend.
• What I thought: Educational and interesting. The biology scenes and demonstrations scenes were the best parts. The fantasies were really outdated and contrived, but at least all four of the players did look like they were actually really enjoying it. I was a bit irked that they still did the money shot.
• Rating: NN

• Title: "Hard Love/How to Fuck in High Heels"
• Release Date: 2000
• Basic plot/Stats: This video actually two movies. First is "Hard Love." Two lesbians watch each other masturbate, one wearing a strap-on. Then two other girls seducing each other and going at it. Then one of the first turns out to be the ex-girlfriend of one of the second, and goes over to help her move. She catches the other two fucking and they argue. Then they make up and fuck. Next is "How to fuck in high heels" which is a performance piece and features a woman talking about how great is to be a femme and to do the fucking, while wearing high heels and a variety of strap-ons, one for each of the 3 women. It was really funny.
• How I saw it: I actually bought this one. I had been asking friends about "real lesbian" porn and reading Good Vibration's stuff and this is what was recommended. So I bought it.
• What I thought: It was really great to see lesbians practicing safe sex, and educational as well. "Hard Love" kind of bored me a little, but the actors actually acted some, and there was an actual story being told, and the sex wasn't really even gratuitous. I really liked that everyone had real bodies, and not perfect ones at that. "High Heels" I loved because I like that kind of humor and the lead actress was really a great performer. I liked that she kept up a nonstop monologue during the fucking, about how to do it and how nice it felt. I fully endorse this one.
• Rating: NNC*

• Title: "Curious"
• Release Date: 1992
• Basic plot/Stats: Lesbian and gay roommate. She watches him and his boyfriend start to have sex, gets all turned on. Her girlfriend comes over and the girls fuck upstairs and the boys fuck downstairs. Curious dyke asks her dyke friend, who recounts a scene where she got fucked by two gay men. Gay boyfriend asks his straight brother what sex with a woman is like; brother tells him. Dyke couple and gay couple talk briefly and with very poor delivery about being curious. All four of them fuck; curiosity is satisfied.
• How I saw it: Borrowed from friend.
• What I thought: The men were more attractive to me than the women. One of the dykes was so made up, and they both had such long fingernails that I feared for their tender parts and was totally turned off. It seemed like the girls fucking was directed by someone who really didn't know how girls would fuck. On the plus side, everyone obviously had orgasms. The dyke friend getting fucked by two guys has such hyper-inflated boobs that they looked like they could explode. The straight sex scene was also kind of a turn-off. But for some reason, I really liked this one. Call me curious.
• Rating: NNC

• Title: "1001 Erotic Nights"
• Release Date: 1982
• Basic plot/Stats: Sultan catches Sultana both fucking and conspiring with some military leader. Decides to only fuck each girl in harem once, then kill her. One tells him erotic stores each night instead, and he doesn't fuck her or kill her, and eventually loves her and they live happily ever after. Stories include a fisherman fucking a merchant's wife, and her two daughters, and a few others I can't remember.
• How I saw it: Borrowed from friend.
• What I thought: I wanted to like this, I really truly did. It had a plot and it had costumes and it was SO 80s. Everyone was so tan they were orange, and everyone looked very pretty but bored out of their minds during the sex scenes. I think the women weren't even plastic, but still I was totally turned off. The men were really unattractive. And the scene with the fisherman and two daughters really bothered me, they looked so young. I don't know why, but it just didn't do it for me.
• Rating: NN

• Title: "Why Marines Don't Kiss"
• Release Date: 1998
• Basic plot/Stats: Young Marine is confused about his sexual dreams. Doesn't think his dad would understand. Flashback in time to dad-the-marine getting it on with his best friend in Vietnam. Young Marine's blond object of desire gets it on with random stranger. Young marine tells grandfather-the-marine about his desires; flashback to granddad getting it on with an MP while some sergeant watches. Back in real-time, the two young marines start to get it on, and then are joined by an anonymous "real marine" to show then how real marines fuck. Confused young marine comes out to everyone; his friend stays closeted. Ends with flash forward of young marine and his husband, who he finally gets to kiss AND fuck.
• How I saw it: Borrowed from friend.
• What I thought: This one had the best plot out of the bunch so far. The story was a bit flimsy, and the sex scenes didn't convey much heat to me, but the angst over coming out, the awkwardness, and occasional tenderness really surprised me. Unfortunately, the sex didn't really do it for me, and I was really weirded out by the guy-getting-fucked never once having an erection during the fucking. In "Curious" they did, and seemed more like they were enjoying it. These guys seemed bored. Featured safe sex, which I liked.
• Rating: NN*

Still to be viewed: "Justine 2," "Delta of Venus." Feel free to email recommendations/suggestions.

Stay tuned in for next week, when I'll babble about some of my conclusions about all of this.




1) Sure, I'll go into the sex shop, but I won't buy anything. It's too gross in there, too brightly lit and so obviously catering to men. It's like they make this agreement with conservatives, that yes, they're going to sell sexually explicit goods, but they'll do their best to make everyone in there feel like a sicko pervert and ashamed.

2) Rating System: NNC* N = 1 Nipple Erect NN = 2 Nipples Erect NNC - 2 Nipples and 1 Clit Erect NNC* - 2 Nipples, 1 Clit Erect, and I'd watch it again

3) Fake lesbian being my term for lesbian sex scenes featuring long fingernails, plastic boobs, and either distaste or obvious boredom in the participants.

Columns by Wanton Hussy