To do lists will have a limit of 5 items able to be done in one day;
Seashells will be easily found on all beaches and be FREE, not cost
$30 at a tourist gift shop;
Someone will make me tea upon rising;
Unless you like your job, you won’t have to go. The state will figure out
some way to make the things you like to do lucrative. Yes, it will be a
communist state, but not like the Russians tried to do. Mine will work.
Insubordination will get you fed to the wolves;
Every book ever will be translated into every language ever, just in case
someone wants to read "Doonsbury" in Hittite;
People who say "tittie" when referring to breasts will be slapped
repeatedly across the face until they swear to stop;
Ditto anyone who bugs me unnecessarily;
Not only will it be illegal to call anyone ‘fat’ who weighed under 250,
individuals labeling themselves as such will be automatically signed up for
therapy;
Personal trainers, gym membership, and all fun physical activities will
be free, since it’s in the best interest of the state that everyone be
healthy and work out their stress;
While no one will forget the horrors of history, no one will insist that
it be kept fresh in one’s mind so that "we never forget."
Men will write poetry to court their lady friends and wives, when they
hope to score;
No one will ever dub movies – they will all be subtitled;
Every store everywhere will deliver. Clothing and shoe salespeople will
come to your house and bring you stuff to try on.
Personal vehicles will be eliminated. Bicycles and mass transit systems
will be the only options. There will be a mass transit system stop every
half-mile. Vehicles will run on air or water or something free and clean.
Not only will it be free to travel anywhere, but you will be able to
either travel back in time as well, or at least to historical recreations
of any given time period, since actors and Ren faire geeks will need jobs
they like.
No one will be expected to be the responsible member of the family/the
primary breadwinner/the primary caregiver. All such duties will be shared as
equally as possible. Only those who pass a test will be allowed to have pets
or children.
Christians will actually be the powerless minority they have always insisted
on seeing themselves as. Pagans will rule the state. We will have fantastic
seasonal celebrations every month full of hedonism.
People won’t take themselves so seriously;
I will have a fantastic, custom-made wardrobe;
There will be no need for a military because everyone will be happy,
everywhere. They will all have been slapped until they realized they should
just lighten up before I assume the throne. And they will have reformed.
Any "business" with a monopoly will automatically be required to donate
their services FOR FREE to the citizens. This includes the post office,
electric companies, phone companies, and Microsoft. Any product or item
deemed important to the lives of more than 100,000 people will be free.
Housing won’t be so much ‘affordable’ as free, unless you want luxuries or
to live somewhere extra nice;
Despite all previous attempts at this, my plan will work, because I’m the
Queen, you fuckers, and I say so.
