Ok, look -- I was recently cruising around in my car, alternating between the really interesting radio station that sometimes plays really annoying music (KPIG) and one of the stupid rock stations that sometimes plays nice shouty music. Between the two I can usually find something nice to listen to -- KPIG if the rock station's shock-jocks get too moronic, and some angry German rock if KPIG plays something too sensible. And so there I was, switching away from KPIG when I catch Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver. Now... there's no reason this song should rock. It's really simple, it's sung by a highly annoying person -- who never really went anywhere after he left Black Sabbath... but, well, the song does rock. I mean, it just does. But damn it, I was still in a KPIG state of mind and here I am listening to the lyrics of this song. Have you ever bothered to listen to Dio's lyrics? They're just haphazard. I mean, not in a David Bowie sort of interesting manner -- oh no, these are landfill-after-an-earthquake sort of lyrics: Holy Diver You've been down too long in the midnight sea Oh what's becoming of me I tried to dig up a little on the phrase "Holy Diver", but there's not much there. There was a video game by that name released in 1989, six years after the song came out... so odds are Dio wasn't singing about that. Somehow the diver being down in the deep depths of the ocean has done something to poor Ronnie... possibly the lack of oxygen has worked it's magic on his diction. Ride the tiger You can see his stripes but you know he's clean Oh don't you see what I mean No... no seeing what you're meaning. Pleading with us is nice, but context is king. My first instinct is a drug reference... you get the whole monkey on his back/reap the whirlwind bit going with the ride the tiger... but no, apparently he's clean -- well, the tiger, at any rate. Gotta get away -- Holy Diver You've managed to break free, congratulations. Please write when you find a translator. Shiny diamonds Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue Something is coming for you Ok, more with the cat reference... but for the life of me I'd never been that comfortable with crossing cats and oceans. I mean, sure, I've seen some nice shots of tigers playing in hip deep water... but never really in any of those Jacques Cousteau films way down in the briny deep. Race for the morning You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light Oh we will pray it's all right Ok. I've never understood the term race for dawn ... or morning ... or night. It's not really like you can win. Damn it, it's measuring a constant time against a constant time. There is no racing! Stop it... you're like those damn vampire movies where the daylight hours last a couple of minutes and then it's night again. Ok, wait. It's nothing like that, but those bug me too. Between the velvet lies There's a truth that's hard as steel The vision never dies Life's a never ending wheel Damn it... he just put it in there for rhyme and meter. It's the only stanza that breaks his little three line do-dah, and it's a goes nowhere, does nothing block of verbiage. Holy Diver You're the star of the masquerade No need to look so afraid Yeah, no one's going to mistake you for anyone else... that domino mask is really doing to fool everyone -- while you're riding around on your huge ten foot jungle cat. Jump on the tiger You can feel his heart but you know he's mean Some light can never be seen Somewhere along the trip someone's carelessly gotten off the tiger, a foolish move, which seems to fit a foolish song. I don't know, maybe the diver's a cardiologist -- one angry, reincarnating, mask wearing, non-Morlockian, tiger riding, heart surgeon... Don't ask me, I'm rocking out.

Columns by jasona