On Mad Scientists

Do we watch just fully accredited scientists? Or are nutzbars patching together great leaping whirly-gigs in their basements also worthy of surveillance?

What about those who fund the mad scientists? Do they get their own special task-forces? Some branch of the NSA that specializes in economic scrutiny and business terrorism?

What of teachers who produce an extraordinary amount of mad scientists per capita? Do we plant bugs in their chalk-boards? Audit their office hours?

Is the mad scientist known by his methods or his subjects? Do perfectly mundane scientist who study the pants-on-head-quackingly-insane qualify as mad scientists? Do frizzle-haired egg-heads with foam-lathered jaws and wild bloodshot-eyes warrant examination... even if they devote themselves to the study of trout?

Take as an example those scientists who study the gate of insects. You might not know of them, but just like the fellow who proved that all four legs of a horse leave the ground when the horse is running, these insect scientists study the running gate of ants. And centipedes. And crabs. And roaches. Are they mad? If they are and Muybridge (the horse photographer) wasn't, why? Both are funded by universities (well, Muybridge was funded directly from Leland Stanford, rather than from his university). Both take great lengths to study their animals. Is it because they study insects? I know Mr. Harlock would give that a big fat "yes". What of the scientists who merely study absurd things, like tiny six-ounce monkeys? Or Groucho Marx's walk? Mad?

What about the modern day alchemists who have spent years trying to squeeze gold from cabbages? Are they mad? Yes? What if they succeed? Still mad? They have, you know. Gold from a cabbage.

What about those scientist who play around with meat? No, not animals and the like, but meat scientists - those who study the packing, separating, manipulation and processing of meat products. These meat technologists, are they mad? Or just sad sorry individuals? What if they win awards for it? What if their work is funded with whopping great super-grants by meat corporations? What if they're Canadian?

Lord knows that "Canadian" is a hot word for Mr. Harlock. Should every scientist in Canada be listed, de facto, as mad... eh? Mr. Harlock? What about those who try to make toxic waste handling robots? Isn't that a laudable goal? Isn't removing the human element from that hazardous task virtuous? So what if the inventor isn't planning on using computer components in his robots (and goes so far as to think computerized robots are ridiculous)? So what if the robots he builds are intended to emulate insects? Mad? Pshaw.

I think all this absurd talk of monitoring our valuable scientific assets has got to be stopped, ASAP. When we lock up all our mad scientists, what would we possibly do against those nations who didn't? Hmm? Are we really willing to let Canada leap ahead in the mad-scientist-gap? When it comes to national defense, let us not find out, in our hour of need, that we have no scientist who have studied the spider to the point of madness. Let us not find ourselves bereft of anti orbital mind control laser helmets, or Black-headed Sagui Dwarf Monkey repellent.

i,jasona

Ref: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5