KetchupYou want to know what irks me? Getting ketchup out of a bottle. Not because it's hard to do, but because so many of you don't know how to do it. You sit there waggling the bottle and playing with your utensils, wasting time and spreading a great miasma of ketchup all over the table. It drives me berserk. More often than not I've had to rip the bottle out of my dining companion's hands and demonstrate the correct way to get ketchup out of a bottle.So I'm going to tell you. All of you. The problem with most people's attempts at getting ketchup out of a bottle is that they're not really doing anything with the ketchup except for waggling it. This might be good for puppies and playing with jello, but it does nothing to encourage ketchup out of a bottle. The favorite (incorrect) method I see when people want to get ketchup is to wave the bottle in a radial arc, up and down. The problem with this is that the ketchup isn't being encouraged to go in any particular direction. Just as much energy is being used to convince the ketchup to back up into the bottom of the bottle as is being used to try and shake it out. The ketchup is a soft, pliable medium, and it just absorbs all the shaking energy (except for the little bits just at the surface of the open end, which splay out in a nice stream along the tangent of the arc... feh... messy table). Most of the other attempts to extract ketchup (such as the two fisted herk and jerk) are just variants on the one handed arc, and suffer the same fate. Those that resort to knives to get their ketchup our never seem to realize that there really isn't any surface tension keeping the ketchup in, it's just stubborn. And where knives are great for extracting condiments from large mouthed containers (such as mayonnaise jars), all you get with ketchup bottles is a knife covered shaft to hilt in enough ketchup to paint the knife, but not enough to use anywhere. So -- ok, the first thing to do is to put down your utensils. You don't need them. All you need to do is get the hand movements down. There's one simple ketchup kata, and it's entirely open handed. Grab the bottle in your right hand (1) and make sure the open top is facing down. Of course, if the ketchup comes a pouring out at this point, well, fine, you don't need my help... you don't need anyone's help... you've got a runny half filled ketchup bottle that's working just fine. For those of you with packed coagulated ketchup (usually found in those just opened new bottles), you've got your open bottle in your right hand, open end facing down. The action of your right hand is to bring the bottle into your left hand, which will act as an catcher's mitt. Your left hand will be catching the neck of the bottle, so that the open end of the ketchup will come to a sudden stop just bellow your palm. The only motion in the entire operation should be your right hand gently raising the ketchup bottle up, and then slamming it down into your left hand like a hammer onto an anvil. This is the kernel of the getting the ketchup out of the bottle experience. You let your right arm accelerate both the ketchup and the bottle directly towards where you want the ketchup to land, and then you let your left hand bring the bottle suddenly to a stop, forcing the ketchup to continue in the correct vector -- out of the bottle and onto your plate, or your hamburger, or cousin Bob's head, or where-ever you wanted the ketchup to go. It's simple, it's powerful, it's accurate. Now, your homework is to go out there, try it out, and shout my name in praise. Your welcome.
If you're really sincere, I might even teach
you how to put on a lid to a cup of coffee next week.
|