Mao the Fat Cat

Although most well known as being the leader of the people's revolution in China, that was not his first, truest love. Mao comes from a long line of inventors, whose lineage has been traced back to Mao Couphan, who thought up the flush toilet one afternoon while out golfing.

While living, Mao was accredited with several discoveries, such as taking long walks for medicinal purposes (which he came up with to combat the periods of dizziness he suffered when talking with Stalin). But even since 1973, the year of his demise, his inventive spirit has really gone into over-drive.

Just one of Mao's great discoveries was the scone. Long thought to have been first made in Scotland over fifteen centuries ago, recent evidence by the People's Historical Committee has revealed that this wonderful little treat was first whipped up by Mao while he was vacationing in London in the summer of 1910. All of China is looking forward to enjoying this fine traditional Chinese breakfast treat once again.

In 1980 he was named the inventor of the Factory, in 1982 as the discoverer of the Frisbee and in 1984 as the father of modern bicycling.

But great genius has not always been kind to Mao. For Mao had always intended that his Little Red Book be presented in a exciting and engrossing multimedia format. Often was the night that he cried himself to sleep because he realized that the technology of the day just could not adequately carry forth his vision. Fortunately in 1998 his invention of the CD-ROM propelled his greatest work into the format it was always intended to be studied in.

Recently it's even been proven that Al Gore invented the Internet only after stumbling across the long lost copy of Mao Zedong's Little Pink Book of Nifty Ideas.

When asked how he could come up with so many great inventions, and think such deep thoughts; Mao's reply was simply "I live with my fears, and they become doubts, and then acquaintances, and then fast friends." For many years this statement puzzled his followers, until at last Mao 'Man of Mystical Muscle' Zedong put his words to practical example and stepped inside a small glass cage filled with thousands of scorpions and asps. At first his followers were frantic, but after Mao told them to all settle down (for the scorpions had become quite agitated over all the ruckus) he explained that whenever he was confronted by some fear or hurdle, he lived with it for quite some time. "It is this very way with Communism, as we are all much afeared of it. And just as I am living with the scorpions and the asps that frighten me so, all of China must live with Communism for a while. Only when we have mastered it, and no longer fear it, can we leave it by the wayside."

Mao emerged from of that glass scorpion-filled cage 80 years ago, and formed the world's largest Communist party, so that China could more easily embrace its fears. And now, finally, the butterfly has emerged from its chrysalis... China has emerged from its Communism-filled cage.

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For more details, consult Chinese told Mao was a capitalist, and Jiang holds party door open for the rich, and History for the Masses.