There's been a lot of people discussing names around me recently. I mean, currently, in my life, I worry about a name once in a blue moon. What to call my online avatar in a 3d shooter, or an MMORPG... but really, nothing too important.

But damn if there haven't been all sorts of friends around me having children. Newlings. Procreating. Yeah... like that. And of course their children have to have names.

Mostly namers fall into two camps:

1) you gotta give the child a name that won't get him ridiculed at school
2) you gotta give the child a cool distinctive name

Man, I am so far into the 2nd camp you can't even believe it.

I should even change my own name, it's just too common.

You see, when I was born, I was born to a long line of first born sons. And so I stood to inherit a really weighty moniker - a Horace Porter the IVth. My dad was soundly in camp number 1 (because he was called "whore-ass" until he changed his name to Porter, in which case just a few choice friends gave him the "hey, red-cap, carry my bags"). In any case, he didn't want to pass on this legacy to his son... his pride an joy... so he named me Jason.

Of course this was a two fold curse. On him, it brought him frowns of displeasure from the family. Why had he broken tradition?! Who did he think he was?! Someone fit a Zeus-Hercules like punishment for H. Porter the IIIrd. The second part of the curse fell on myself, for just two years later Jason was to become the most popular boy's name in America. Sure enough, two grades behind me in school there was this huge horde of Jasons closing in for the kill. Damn it. I wanted a unique identifier.

My brother got it good, though.

You see, my father, to appease the gods of familial wrath, named my brother from both sides of the family tree... Byram Stanislaus. Now there's a unique name. No pesky flocks of other Byrams to screw him over. Not like me. No rotten Byrams to sour his good name. There's no other Byram Stanislaus around. Hell, there's no Byrams around.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my name. Jason is a good fine name. But I suspect I like it so much because... well... because it's mine. Had I been given any other name I would have loved it just as dearly. The point is I'm angry at all the other fuckers who went and got themselves named Jason. Hell, I'm not one to usually use the f-word in print, but damn it, they deserve it. They took my god damn name. Fuckers.

You might not think that a unique name is all that important... well, I'm here to tell you you're wrong. Dime a dozen names are fine when you're living in a small town where you're not going to meet more than a hundred other people in your lifetime. But when it comes to our modern age, with telecommunication advances, and internets, and 15 minutes of fame, you want your own unique hook to hang your identity on; otherwise you're going to meet hundreds of people with your same name. I search for my name on the internet and I get 64000 matches. Is that because I've made my mark on society? No. It's because there's a lot of other fuckers out there.

Just take email addresses for example. Most of you have had the annoying experience of trying to get an account at some stupid site only to find that every conceivable variation on your name has been taken. You've got to pick jason1274 for one site, jasonCRE341 at another and jasonaBlue5 at still another. It's ridiculous. And if you think that's bad, wait until your children grow up and have to attend schools where they'll be given email addresses and computer accounts based on their names. Accounts that they'll probably have to rename every year (as they encounter different kids with similar names) for the next 12 years of school.

Land o' goshin - for your children's sake, head it off at the pass!

Name your kid something unique, something no one else is going to pick. And this means you don't just calling them Daniel with a "y" (Danyel?). Do a little work, search your family tree for something with character, or pick something out of a random name generator. Give your child a sturdy unique sticking point to which they can hang the rest of their character on. Believe me, they'll thank you. Ask anyone with a unique first name if they'd wanted to be called Tom, Dick or Jane. Go ahead. You'll find they're damn proud of their name.

i,jasona (not to be confused with any of those other fuckers)