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"Hello?"
"Hello, West Valley Veterinarian's Hospital, how can I help you?" "It's my cat." "Has your cat been in an accident?" "Oh no. No. Not at all. Alexander's just fine." "But you have a question?" "Hmm?" "About your cat... you have a question? Is there something I can answer for you?" "Er, yes, yes. I was wondering, well, er, my cat's a little too playful." "Is your cat a kitten?" "Oh no... no. I'd guess he's middle aged. What's middle aged for a cat?" "Fifteen to twenty years, sir, but, you guess... sir?" "Oh yes. I'd say he's about ten years old. He smells around ten years old." "Smells?" "Yeah, you know... smells about what I'd guess a ten your old cat would smell like." "You didn't get him as a kitten?" "Oh no. I just got him. Well, he got me. You know... you know how cats are. He just found me, and now he won't leave me alone." "Does he have a collar on, sir? He might be someone else's cat... they could be worried about him." "Oh. No no. He's mine now. His previous owners, er, have... passed on." "I'm sorry to hear that." "You needn't worry, I'll take care of him now. I just need some pointers." "Have you ever had a cat before?" "I've seen them on the TV before, but no, not me, not personally. no." "Have you ever had any sort of pet before?" "A living pet?" "... yes. A living pet. Have you ever taken care of a living thing before?" "Oh yes, all the time." "You've fed and cleaned up after a pet?" "Fed or fed on?" "Sir?" "I mean, not pets. I wouldn't eat pets. They're not human, after all." "I beg your pardon?" "That's how I took care of his previous owners, see? But he didn't smell right. Not like food. He smelled... well, like a ten year old cat. But I think he likes the smell of me -- at any rate -- he can't get enough. Always pawing and pouncing and tearing off little bits, and that's why I called." "..." "You see, he's just... a little too attentive. I love him and all, but he won't stop chewing on me. I swear he must have eaten a couple pounds already. I've even had to make sure I wear a helmet to bed at night so that he won't get at my eyeballs. Well, eye... I've only got one left. Oh, he didn't get the other one. I lost that one years ago. Must have got a nick in it, and you know how eyes are... they'll rot away in no time flat. Like jelly on toast, that's what they say, right?" "...I'm sorry... Your cat is eating you?" "Yeah." "Eating you?" "Oh yeah. I'd have thought it was bad for him... I mean, there are parts that are gamy through and through. But he's wolfed it down, so to speak. I guess it'd be more appropriate that he'd tiger it down, but then there's no expression, you know, tiger it down." "Sir, I don't think I follow you. You're letting your cat eat portions of your flesh?" "Well, it's ironic, isn't it? I mean, here I am, spending my afterlife feasting on the brains of the living, and here this little tabby is feasting on me. Quite the turnabout, no? If he weren't such a cute little bugger I'd wring his little neck." "..." "So, my questions pretty simple, I guess. How do I get him to stop? Will he grow out of it? Do I need to lock him outdoors when I sleep? Will I need to supplement his diet with any pills or vitamins?" "..."
"Ma'am? Are you there? Hello?"
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