Column for Thursday, 4/5 - jims

Canada -- Oh, My

As I write this, I am listening to the soundtrack for Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, the South Park movie. In my opinion, it is one of the most ingenious musicals of the 90s. But, I digress. In the movie, the vilians end up being the Canadians. In fact, Canadians are portrayed in a very poor light, have beaty little eyes, flappy heads, and an insatiable interest in toilet humor.

While I see nothing wrong with toilet humor, I think that our Canadian neighbors get a bad wrap. There is much to praise Canada for, and it is my hope to highlight some of those. But before doing so, I once again say that the world does not have enough toilet humor. Fart jokes, body noises, rude smells, the world would be a much happier place with more of them. Just ignore the heightened danger to the ozone layer due to increased methane.

Now, I should state that I have no particular tie to Canada. I was born and raised here in California. My experiences with them are what form the basis for the following:

1. They remained part of the British empire. Think about it, with any capital investment, the investor expects some sort of return. During their expansionistic period that led up to the American Revolution, European countries spent quite a bit on moving their asses to various parts of the world. This included North America, much to the chagrin of the native peoples, now bent on getting reparations through opening casinos. In the long run, the British lost their investment in what became the US and are now our bitch on the international theater, but they can still lay claim to Canada. In addition, the Canadians provided a place for the French that wandered over here.

2. They provide a buffer between the fourty eight states and Alaska. I am suer this pleases one of my co-ranters. The buffer has proven large enough to keep away the hoards of mosquitos that populate Alaska during the summer. If the current administration should also deem it necessary to rape and pillage the Alaskan wilderness, the buffer should once again prove helpful for any oil and toxic waste spills.

3. Vancouver. Vancouver, BC is an amazingly beautiful and fun city. Situated on the water, there are sweeping views of islands and mountains. There are a number of fun neighborhoods to roam around. The music scene is extremely vibrant with festivals nearly every weekend in the summer.

4. Friendly people. Nearly every Canadian I have met has been a joy to talk to. They have been outgoing and open.

5. The Naked News. Found at, the show is out of Montreal and provides a very fun twist to the news. Comparing the journalism on the show with that of most television news programs, the quality and content are very good.

6. Cute, friendly, women. I have had some wonderful conversations when visiting Canada with women, at clubs, on the street, just in general. Even when they are in the states, their friendly nature shows through. My first night at Burning Man 2k, on a quest to find a rest room, myself and friends were given a tour of very tasteful pictures. Each picture, posted one the door of an outhouse, artfully depicted a naked young lady in an outdoor area around Vancouver. The photo tour and commentary were provided by the young ladies within the photos.

The preceding have been a couple of the highlights that have established a fondness for our friends north of the border. There are many other traits worth considering, but I will stop for now. The next time you are considering bombing or invading our northern neighbors, as advocated in Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, just remember that they really are a friendly, useful lot.