lettuce - Column for 7/28

Ask Dr. DC

Your Washington Insider!

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This Week: Sex and the Single Intern

Dear Dr. DC

My college-aged daughter was offered a Capitol Hill internship. It's a good opportunity, but after Monica and Chandra, I don't know. Should I be worried for her?

Carol in Kansas City, MO

Dear Carol,

Congressmen don't hire interns for sex, Carol -- that's the first thing any good congressman will tell an intern after he's had sex with her. In fact, most congresspeople have never felt sexually attracted an intern, that until now, now that they've met you.

But don't worry! The reports of depravity in DC are quite exaggerated. For example, despite three affairs with prominent members of the Department of Commerce, not one of them has yet had me killed.

Interns in DC are faced with a lot of pressures. They are often young, bright and attractive, while the government officials they are working for tend to be morbidly obese, spending 15 hours each day filtering the Senate floor for nutrient-rich krill. Additionally, the complexions of people who work on Capitol Hill tend to be bruised and covered in pock-marks -- not from acne -- but from the stones they keep throwing at each other when someone says: "let he who is without sin..."

So naturally, temptation abounds. Which is why I've come up with this handy list of things your daughter should keep in mind when walking through the hallowed halls of Congress:

  • Avoid sexy clothing. Instead, wear only business suits made from the exoskeletons of potato bugs.
  • Befriend Linda Tripp. Remind him of this daily.
  • Have your Appalacian mountain-man father stand next to your desk, with a shotgun, at all times.
  • Unlike senators and directors of federal agencies, congressmembers have poor eyesight. If you encounter one, stand perfectly still until they pass, or flee in the safety of a large herd.
  • Build a time machine. Take your internship to the distant future, when a utopian society of gender equality if finally achieved.
  • Under no circumstances should you ever bathe.
  • Remember: The only reason you're attracted to your congressman is that he wields great power. Remind yourself that the House Subcommittee on Livestock and Horticulture really isn't all that great.
  • If your congressman starts flirting: Don't panic! He's probably more scared of you than you are. Just use your hypnotic vampire powers to lure him into a state of delirium, then slowly feast on his sweet, precious blood.
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    Dear Dr. DC

    Is God a Republican or Democrat?

    Bruce, San Diego, CA

    Dear Bruce,

    Great question. Both Democrats and Republicans often act as if God is indeed on their side. But of course, they're both wrong. According to His motor-voter registration, God is, in fact, on the side of the Libertarians. Which is why the National Guard has never had much luck holding back their invading hordes as they plunder town after town after town.

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    Dear Dr. DC

    My 8th grade class is planning a trip to Washington DC this fall. Is there anything I should know about before I go?

    Heather, Ithica, NY.

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    Dear Heather,

    Absolutely! The nation's capitol is a treasure-trove of trivia!

    For example, did you know Washington DC was built on a swamp? So be sure to take at least 3 weeks of quinine before your visit. Secondly, some of the buildings in the nation's capitol haven't been changed since they were built over 200 years ago. So no one will care if you pee on them! Take Dr. DC's word for it! Thirdly, in a knife fight, use gravity to your advantage! Always stab down, not up. .

    And remember: Etiquette matters. if you meet a congressperson, always address him or her as "sir" or "ma'am," and THEN run away as fast as you can, and tell an adult.

    Be sure to visit the Smithsonian, where you can see a Fonzie's coat, the Wright Brother's plane, and the mummified remains of actress Kristie McNichol! Though scientists differ, most believe that the U.S. Census Bureau are the evolutionary descendents of the dinosaurs! Did you know that the popular British series Dr. Who is based on the true-life adventures of House Speaker Denny Hastert? Look it up!

    Finally: The White House is the home of the President of the United States. So don't step on the flowers! He spent, like, months on those.

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    Dear Dr. DC

    Is President Bush as dumb as he looks?

    Morris, Philadelphia

    Dear Morris

    I suppose that depends on what he's looking at? Ha-ha. The fact of the matter is, President Bush is actually quite bright. But don't take my word for it. Next time you visit DC, place one of the President's favorite chew toys or a President biscuit underneath a blanket or towel. Remember, make sure he sees you do this. Now watch.

    Now, while Sen. Russ Feingold may just stand near the blanket and whine, and Justice Antonin Scalia will try to eat through the blanket, President Bush has problem-solving skills, and will usually figure out a way to move the towel, and thus get to his biscuit.

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    Have a question for Dr. DC? Pass it along to lettuce@lettuce.org.

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