lettuce - Column for 8/18

lettuce - Column for 8/18

Ask HollyDood

Your Inside Source in Hollywood

This Week: Cruise Out-Of-Control

* * *

Dear HollyDood,

What’s up with Tom Cruise? I was heartbroken over his split with Nicole Kidman – what could have broken them up?

JoAnne in Savannah, GA

Dear JoAnne,

Hollywood has been buzzing with questions about the Cruise-Kidman divorce ever since the two called it quits this past winter – but both Tom and Nicole have been mum as to the reasons why.

But HollyDood has his connections, and word on the boulevard is that their busy careers were really responsible for the break-up. For example, Nicole was upset that Tom was never at home, spending all his time acting, producing, and suing German porn stars for calling him “gay.”

Tom would vehemently deny that he was gay to Nicole, and Nicole would comment that she didn’t call ever even him gay, she was just wondering why he spent so much time in litigation.

“So, I’m gay, then!” Tom would scream back. “After all these years together, you think I prefer being held in the arms of my sweet German gay lover, than, say, suspiciously watching television on mute alone in the basement here at home?” Tom would then push a mysterious cardboard box under the bed, which seemed to contain a feathered headdress.

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Nicole would begin, “I was just…” but then the doorbell would ring, and Julian Keith Strickland of the B52s, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), Rupert Everett, two of the remaining Village People, and a German porn star would come in. “Hey, Tom-Tom, you ready? We’ve got the top down on the Miata,” Strickland would say, waving goodbye to Nicole. Tom would just glare at her, promising to pick up some milk on the way back from the, er, football game they were all going to.

Sometimes he’d be gone for, like, a week.

So like so many of Hollywood’s brightest couples, in the end, what broke them up was merely their busy schedules and insatiable need German porn star cock.

* * *

Dear HollyDood,

What ever happened to “Greatest American Hero” William Katt? I had such a crush on him in Jr. High School!

Colleen in Troy, MI

Dear Colleen,

William Katt traded his longtime dream of Hollywood stardom for a chance to live out his favorite episode of “Fantasy Island” where a big game hunter decided to hunt Ricardo Montelban instead. However, like in the episode, Ricardo Montelban turned the tables on Katt, and soon, the Greatest American Hero fell into some lava, or this boiling vat or wax, or some fucked-up shit like that, never to be heard from again.

* * *

Dear HollyDood,

When did they start showing commercials at the start of movies? They’re horrible! I can’t believe I pay $8 to sit and watch an advertisement for Coke.

Colin in Placerville, CA

Dear Colin,

Movie theaters started showing traditional advertising back in 1996, as part of the landmark settlement between them and the Shadow Government Overlords – who also run Coke. The suit was over a supposed breach of contract, after it turned out all the subliminal advertising was coming out backwards, and suddenly people really were lobbying President George W. Bush to step down, and pledge allegiance to the Secretary General of the “N.U.”

Oh, the egg on their faces!

So quit your griping before you get sent to a re-education camp by His Highness, Northwestern University President Henry S. Bienen’s all-knowing shock-troops.

* * *

Dear HollyDood,

Settle a bet for me. My dad says that Humphrey Bogart was the original choice for the lead in “The Third Man”, but he turned it down to support the war effort. I’m sure he’s wrong, mostly because my dad suffers from both Schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s and increasingly needs care that neither my mother, nor the rest of the family, can provide. Should we place him in a home? How do we know which home would be right for him? Do you recommend any resources to help us with this difficult decision?

Raymond in Bluebell, PA

Dear Raymond,

Joseph Cotton was the only actor considered for “Citizen Kane.”

* * *

Dear HollyDood,

What’s next for Eliza Dushku, hot starlet of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Bring It On!”??? I loved her in those. She’s so much cooler than Rachel Leigh Cook, that skank.

David in Omaha, NE


I just got off the phone with Dusku’s publicist, and – good news! – she’s single! She told her publicist to tell me to tell you that she doesn’t really like-like anyone right now, but that she and Sarah Michelle will be hanging out tonight at the Mall, by the Sam Goody as usual, but that since Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lillard are going bowling with Tom Cruise and his gay German porn star lover, you should come by. And yeah, Rachel is a total skank! Did you hear that Chris O’Donnell said that Rachel like totally french-kissed director Leonardo Ricagni on the set of “29 Palms???” 2-Gross!

* * *

Got a question for HollyDood? Send it to lettuce@lettuce.org -- All submitted nugs of sweet green chronic will not be returned without a self-addressed stamped envelope.

Columns by lettuce